we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
