don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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