Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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