I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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