Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
