Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
