She said her name was "party"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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