If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
