I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
