this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
