The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it's like iHOP with fire
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
