I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I hate all girls vehemently.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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