You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
