drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
