Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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