i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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