new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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