While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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