if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
