Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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