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Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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