Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
