Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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