i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
