They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
