we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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