is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
