Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This baby is an asshole
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
