be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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