I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
