if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
