yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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