What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
