u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
