She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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