i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
