Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
