She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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