Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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