Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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