when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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