Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
