oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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