Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Everything about him screamed your future.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
