If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
