The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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