If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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