I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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