when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
