Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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