my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
