ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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