I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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