dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
