can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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