neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
