you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
