if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
