Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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